Dear Toilet,

A highly unexpected turn of events led to me sleeping a solid six hours in that bathroom stall… Yeah, it’s sorta gross and a little unhealthy. Sure, I’m only an hour’s walk away from home… But I could barely see straight that day.

And today, a security guard catches me snoozing again. I didn’t really even plan to. My gaze darkened and I couldn’t quite see where I was going, so I thought I’d lay down a moment in your private domain…

… Funny how that worked out.

Let’s not forget all the intimate moments we’ve shared though!

Well, okay, so maybe me regurgitating three meals wasn’t very romantic. I couldn’t help it though. God, I hardly ate, and I didn’t even drink too much that time…

And, uh… How about all the times I’ve been sick and you’ve been there for me?– Oh, who are you to tell me to take care of myself? You’re an inanimate porcelain bowl!

… That I just wrote an entire letter to… oops.

Yours sorta-sincerely,