i’m falling faster
than i’d first have cared to admit.
when darkness closes in,
i dig my hole and hide away,
holding my breath
and sending up silent prayers
that it’ll just pass me by.
the walls i’ve built around me
constrict my freedom,
trapping me and the monsters inside.
the forest of my imagination
that i once tended with gentle hand
now lies barren of fruit
and choked by vines and thorns
that bruise and scar its beauty.
my monastery’s overgrown,
and the cracks are visible
for all to see.

so aren’t you happy now?
you were right.
i’d regret it,
and i do
though perhaps not for the reasons
that you’d think.
there’s a war in my veins
that i can’t explain to you
or any other;
at least,
not to full effect.
instead, i rely on weakened words
spread out over the table
in a diviner’s plate of guts
and pinned-down hope.

the die has been cast.
my blood screams for vengeance
but such fury isn’t
who i feel i am.
if you could have seen me
before it all went bursting skyward,
your disappointment in me
would be deeper
than how low i crawl
through the muck of my sins.

i’m done.
my choices have been sketched out
and i’m left between two.
one is blunt truth
and the other is a hellish lie.

when struck by the siren’s song,
it is only when
we have dashed ourselves
across the rocky coast
that we find peace.

“take me as i am.
i’m not broken.
pieces of my life
are not tokens.
i want to let you know
that i’m still learning
how to love again
and stop hurting.”